dating · Inspiration · Life · relationships · Uncategorized

From a Living Single: The Talking Phase

I remember being in prep school and learning about the water cycle and thinking just how simple it was because each stage had a distinct purpose. I remember thinking: “I’ll never forget this!” because it was so straightforward. If only we could apply this concept to every area of lives… especially our dating lives. It seems as if every time I go to bed and wake up, a new phase of the dating process appears.

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I’m well aware that I’ve already done a blog about “21st Century Dating Rules” but my generation truly continues to confuse me. Maybe I’m just a little old school, but this new phase of dating that’s not really “dating” but you’re not exactly “just friends” but you’re not “exclusively committed” to each other but also not into an “open relationship” is hella confusing. This, from what I gather is the “talking” phase.

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My head is spinning just writing all of that, so how do people actually live it out? If the case is that you’ve just met and you’re slightly interested but not sure that you truly want to get into a committed relationship then I believe it’s fine to test the waters a little. The truth is after 3 dates and conversing with each other if you’re still not sure you want to actually “date” this person then you need to just move on.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ve been “talking” to somebody for 5 months, that person is not serious about your feelings, your growth or you. They’re literally taking you for a big claffy and are very likely “talking” to other people as well. So what can we do to fix this entire confusing phase of talking? Glad you asked!

  1. BE COMPLETELY HONEST WITH YOUR SPOUSE. Figure out what stage of the relationship you are in by having an open and honest conversation. Just because someone asks you “Where is this going?” or “What are we doing?” doesn’t mean they’re ready to get married next week. Chill out and be mature about your answers. As I’ve previously mentioned, that gray area is fine for someone you’ve just met and are just getting to know but the truth is even after you’re married you’ll still be learning about your spouse. If you’re afraid to commit because you haven’t known them for years, you’ll forever be waiting to settle down. People are always evolving and always changing and if you’re with somebody that cannot change, they’re stifling your growth. Run.
  2. LONELINESS IS NOT AN EXCUSE. If you’re lonely get a pet. If your only reason for “talking” to the person that you’re currently involved with is to quell your loneliness, I suggest you listen to Tweet, read some Christine Feehan, spend some time with God or visit your nearest library for their best self help book. Being lonely is not a good enough reason to want to date, especially since loneliness is an internal issue. And if you just need company for dinner or someone to warm your bed a few nights a week there are apps for that. Don’t string along a good person just because you have an itch that needs attention.
  3. IT’S OKAY TO PACE YOURSELF. The rationale for “talking” came about because people are afraid of rushing into something they are not completely sure about. This is why I believe in pacing yourself and – prepares for the lynch mob – dating around. Jamaica doesn’t present a dating culture but I praise the places that do. Contrary to popular belief, dating around doesn’t necessarily mean you’re sleeping around. When you choose to date around however, it is important to be very honest with the people you are dating. Let them know they aren’t the only one that has caught your eye. Usually by the end of date number 1 you know whether or not you would like to keep in contact with the person and this helps to extend your gray area a tad bit. Once you decide to commit, stay committed.

I don’t pretend to be a relationship coach but the fact is relationships are hard enough as it is, let’s stop complicating them even more.

#KillTheTalkingPhase2017

dating · Life · relationships · Uncategorized

From A Living Single: It’s not worth it

We exist in a society where being a single 20-something year old is almost seen as a crime. If you’re 21 and without a partner it’s seen as the start of your infinite doom.

And God forbid you make it to 25 without any prospect of being married within the next 3 years.

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People have actually begun tapping their watches at me at weddings. (Ya, the nerve…)

With so much pressure being placed on finding your “happily ever after” before 30, some may feel the need to lower their standard and give up some things they hold very dear to their heart just so they are able to trade being a satisfied single for an unhappy partnership.

But, before you start throwing out your moral compass, here are some things I believe you should NEVER sacrifice for a relationship.

  1. Your faith – I put this first because to me this is my most important will-never-give-up-for-any-man-any-time-anywhere-ever-in-life-thing. As a Christian, spirituality (not necessarily religion) is extremely important to me. My spiritual life is my anchor. Without it, without Christ, I literally don’t think I’d be alive. On a day to day basis my beliefs are what keep me sane. (Trust me, I tried doing this life thing without it and it literally drove me to see a therapist.) Faith is something I have to have in common with my significant other simply because it takes up such a crucial, significant portion of my life. I have come to the realisation that nothing on this earth (as I said, I’ve tested this…) could ever replace the peace and joy I get from my spiritual life. If my “happily ever after” means giving up what I believe in, miss me with that mess.

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2. Your morals – Now, contrary to popular belief, your faith and your morals are not the same thing – even though your moral compass is most times dependent on your faith system. Your morals are what help you decide what is right and what is wrong. This therefore dictates what is okay and comfortable for you, and what is crossing the line. How you go about your day to day life depends on your personal moral compass. If you begin to sacrifice this, you sacrifice who you are as a person. Unless this is for the better (making you a better person) it’s definitely not worth it.

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3. Your dreams – The older I get the more I realise some relationships aren’t meant to last, but more to teach you a lesson so your future relationships can be greater, evidently leading you to your life partner. In my last relationship, if we were to take things any further I knew I would have to give up everything I’d ever dreamed of becoming, to play a role of something I was not. I knew that because I loved him I was willing to sacrifice what I wanted, to become what he needed. (Side note: before I get attacked by the feminists, there’s a lot more to the story that I cannot get into than just some woman giving up her dreams for a man).

I also realised that years down the road, I would have been of no use to neither him nor myself because I would have been miserable trying to fulfill this role that I made a vow to fulfill, but not truly being happy with myself, life and in tern the relationship on a whole. Sometimes for everyone’s sake and sanity, it’s best you not forsake your dreams for a relationship.

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To many of you, these may not be important enough to sacrifice for a life that promises to fulfill all your romantic dreams, but for me if it’s going to cost me my sanity and my happiness, I’m fine without it.

I’m sure some of you are thinking that I’m missing a few crucial ones, so I’m inviting you to comment and let me know one thing you’ll never give up for a relationship and why. 🙂

As usual, thanks for reading!

xo Alee.

dating · Inspiration · Life · money · relationships · Uncategorized

From a Living Single: Love Can’t Pay the Bills…

“Love can’t carry me to the supermarket.” – Unknown

And indeed, truer words have never been spoken. Now, I already know many may disagree with me, or even dislike me after reading this blog, but again these are solely my opinions and you can either take it or leave it.

I remember once watching an episode of Tyra, and her topic was “Should you marry for love or money?” And a couple she had on the show stood out to me to this day.

The woman had admittedly gone into the relationship only because she knew the man was financially secure.

The man had gone into the relationship simply because she was smart and beautiful and he wanted a ‘PYT’ on his arm.

They had both agreed that this would be the dynamic of their relationship and hence if he ever went bankrupt she would leave him… interestingly enough he was okay with this.

They were married for some amount of years, had children and seemed to be quite happy with each other.

The wife admitted that she had never been physically attracted to him (she went as far as comparing him to a lawn gnome), but again the husband was totally fine with it.

Both parties were holding up their side of the bargain and it seemed to be working perfectly for them.

#RelationshipGoals or nah?

Before I continue I have one question for my readers: Would you marry for money? 

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  1. According to divorce.usu.edu one of the leading causes of divorce is the issue of money, more specifically “less income”. Though “less income” may not always be the case, if money is already an issue in your relationship it certainly doesn’t help if you’re broke. #JustSayin

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2. Being in love, broke and content is not necessarily a good thing. – If for whatever reason you’re both unemployed, your top priority should be trying to find ways to get out of that situation. If you’re in a relationship where you’re both happy and comfortable being unemployed because “all you need is each other” RUN.

Your spouse should be the person pushing you to be greater than you currently are, not helping you to settle into your mediocrity.

If this is the future you have to look forward to, you’re better off single and broke.

3. Don’t get married on a zero dollar bank account – When you said the words “I do,” the words that precede was a commitment to stand by each other through thick and thin. Though this is true, you shouldn’t be striving to start your marriage on the “thin.”

If by some unfortunate luck of the draw one of you loses your job, the other spouse should be able to pick up the slack without having too much of a struggle. Again, I’m not saying this as a rule, but it certainly does make the process easier and will give you one less thing to argue about.

4. Having said all of that, my forth, final and probably most important point is Money cannot substitute for love or happiness. If your goal is to marry for money ONLY, I advise you to pause and think about your life.

Though I believe you can grow to love someone (seeing as though love is an action first and an emotion after) you cannot force someone to love you. Marrying a man or woman for their bank account does not guarantee you respect, protection, affection or guarantee them to be good partners, parents or lovers – which are all very important in a marriage.

If being financially stable in a relationship is going to cost you your peace and happiness, is it really worth it?

 

 

dating · Inspiration · Life · relationships · Uncategorized

From a Living single: #WasteHisTime2016

As I make this confusing, frustrating journey through my twenties, there are a few things I’d like to share with you, just so that you don’t:

(a) make the same mistakes I do and

(b) learn a thing or two about what a 23 year old in 2016 may experience.

So, buckle up, you’re in for a helluva ride! #FromALivingSingle

 

I’ve come to the realisation that people like to make life a lot more complicated than it really is. No, like seriously, I’m starting to wonder if we do it out of habit or spite. This time in particular I’m talking about the age old topic of romance.

Now, I know you think you’ve heard it all before and what I have to say may be nothing particularly new, but I want to take the time to remind people of simple things in relationships/dating that may make the entire process 50 times easier. Grab your pens and papers boys and girls, mama’s giving notes!

  1. Chivalry isn’t dead, but openness is. – I dare you to tell me I’m lying. Go on, I’ll wait…

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Today’s relationships lack openness, and so everyone just ends up in these no name, confusing situations where you’re wondering what you are, if you even are a “thing” or if the “thing” is headed anywhere at all.

If you’re perfectly fine with a “thing” being unnamed, unmoving and unclear, go right ahead, luv! #DoYouBoo.

Personally, I think a conversation needs to be had when a relationship/thing is still young, just so that he’s not planning a wedding while you’re just looking for the relief of an itch.

Don’t be afraid to DTR (define the relationship) just because it makes things “real”. Life IS real, so this ends up being pointless. 

2. Honesty really is the best policy – If i ask you “Bruh, you single?” Don’t tell me “Yes” when you know you’re holed up in your baby mama’s apartment with your 3 kids and a promise ring on her finger (Because let’s be real… these type of men don’t actually propose.) If you’re currently in a relationship, even if it’s just a “thing” BE CLEAR ABOUT IT. Ain’t nobody got time for #fckboys.

3. #DontWasteMyTime2016 – Does this even need explanation? I’m a firm believer in “everything happens of a reason” and taking every situation in life as a lesson or a stepping stone, and after being in a “thing” for over a year that didn’t work out (Not because of any misunderstandings, “things” tend to just not work out), I’m really not here for the time wasting.

And just because a girl says she doesn’t want to waste her time doesn’t mean she expects you to marry her, have her kids and live happily ever after. It simply means she wants to see if your relationship has the potential to be more than a “thing”.

4. Stop looking for an out before you’re even in – BIG ONE with our generation. We’re so caught up in the “what if it doesn’t work out?” and “What if he doesn’t feel the same way?” or “what if I look stupid because I caught ‘feels’?” that we miss the bigger picture. We miss all that something could be, because we’re so caught up in what may happen or who may think we’re insane.

News flash – Love IS insane! It’s selfless and patient and kind and all the things we’re naturally engineered to be, but trained not to be.  No wonder it’s so hard. Doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it.

5. Take the dive, it’s okay. – If by some miracle you do happen to escape the chains of “what if” and fall in love, don’t be afraid to just dive in and swim. If it works out, you won’t regret it. If it doesn’t, it may hurt for a little but you’d have learned what you needed to, in order to prepare you to fall in love again.  Take the chance, I promise you it’s worth it.

Moral of the story: Be straight with people. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Openness is next to happiness.

 

#QOTD: “What if I fall?”  “Oh, but my darling, what if you fly?” – Erin Hanson

dating · Life · money · relationships

21st Century dating “Rules” are garbage

Every time I think this world cannot surprise me anymore I log onto social media and I’m immediately proven wrong. Typically I don’t do rants like this in a blog. I am the type of person to see something on social media, acknowledge the foolery for what it is, maybe send out a tweet or two stating my thoughts on the issue and move on with life. Not this time. But, before I go any further, let me just paste the picture below that has me this upset at 2:17 am, then i can thoroughly break down WHY this picture upset me so.

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Read the text in the picture above.

Okay, now read it again slowly.
Usually, I wouldn’t be able to even take this kind of rubbish seriously. I mean really, how could I? But no, I do think it is time we had a real sit-down-come-to-Jesus-Kum-by-Ya about the way sex in our society is seen.
1. 90 days of celibacy = 90 days of $0? This picture clearly implies that the “90 day rule” for sex that some females have (ps. If you are unfamiliar with the 90 day rule this may not make much sense to you. Go do some research then come back to this post.) should also go for cash when dating. This is the dumbest thing I’ve read in a really long time and believe me I’ve been pretty up to date with politics recently.
Now quickly, before I get attacked by all the men spurting inequality quotes and slogans at me, let me ensure we are indeed on the same page here. I am not saying that a man does not have a right to decide how he spends his money and within what time frame. Plastic or paper if it’s yours, it’s yours. BUT, to imply that sex and cash are equivalent just points to one of the biggest problems we have with today’s society.
We have been so conditioned to believe that if a guy spends his money on a girl she HAS to have sex with him. The choice is no longer hers because the guy CHOSE to spend his money to wine and dine her so it means then that she MUST give him the vagina. If she doesn’t give it up she’s seen as a gold digger, a bitch, etc, etc, the usual crap.
I’m sorry, you decided that I was interesting enough and maybe cute enough that you wanted to get to know me. You decided to take me out. I decided you were worth the time. I then decided I did not want to sleep with you, whether it be on date one, date five, or the date we’d have 4 months down the line (which is more than 90 days in case you’re counting) but you decided to keep on pursuing me. How do I then owe you sex for the money you chose to spend on me?

2. Where does this sex-money equivalent even come from? Call me crazy but I thought the days of measuring a woman’s worth solely based on her sexuality were done. This is after all the 21st century with people who are supposed to be smarter than their predecessors. Again, I’ve been rudely awakened. How do you measure sex on the money scale? How is a woman’s performance in bed measured by the Big Mac you just bought her? How do you decide that a dinner at Red Lobster is worth more in sex than a dinner at Olive Garden? Do you equivalent your dollars and cents to the number of orgasms you can get in one night? If this is what dating is like please take me back to when a guy would want to date me because he was interested in me as a person, not because he wanted to get into my pants.
If you take me out and I for whatever reason don’t feel like giving you access to what’s between my legs, it is my choice to make. And if you do follow this sex=money line of thinking you’re not mature enough to handle it anyway. I’m not short of dinners and I’m not above taking myself out for a nice meal. Deuces.

3. The fact that our teens and young adults are still thinking this way means our parents, history classes and sex ed classes are clearly failing us.
If we don’t know by now that what is suggested above is diluted prostitution, we are failing as people. If we don’t see a problem with that question, we are failing as people. If we are still teaching our girls that if a boy is nice to you, you HAVE to have sexual relations with him, not because you want to but because it’s just the law of the dating land, We.Fail.As.People.
Parents: Teach your girls to respect and love themselves enough to know that they do not owe ANYBODY ANYTHING because they are nice to them. Teach them to respect their bodies enough to know that they should ONLY have sex when THEY are ready and not because of some made up rubbish rules by self seeking idiotic people.
Teach your boys that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with dining a girl you like. There’s nothing wrong with being nice to her because you think she deserves it and there’s nothing wrong with him, or her, if at the end of 90 days she’s still not ready to have sex with him, even though he’s been taking her out on dates. Teach your sons that just like he CHOSE to dine her it’s her CHOICE whether or not she wants to sleep with him, NOT because of the money he spent, but because she thinks he’s worth it. Teach your children to appreciate themselves enough to appreciate this fact.

Being nice shouldn’t cost a thing. It should be human nature. If you’re dating somebody and it’s painful to spend your time and or money, it’s not worth it. Sex won’t fix that. Stop the foolery. Move on.