Let’s just be real… let’s just be honest.
(This paragraph has everything to do with the blog but nothing at all.) I’ve just finished watching last Thursday’s episode of Tamar & Vince. I watched how Tamar pushed herself completely. She felt sick but nothing could hold her back. Her illness turned out to be a lot worse than she thought it was and in the end she had to completely slow down. I’ve always said that Tamar is my spirit animal… I enjoy that.
Tonight as I watched her push above and beyond herself, I tried to pep talk myself into doing the same thing. The more I tried to curve my “inner voice” into cheering for myself, is the more tired and depressed I felt.
I’ve experienced depression before. What they don’t tell you is that one person can experience depression in different forms. Having gone through depression through majority of my teen years, I’m not sure if I can say which is worse. The past of not wanting to live and doing almost everything in my power to not be here, or wanting to live and be something and make something of myself but just not having the strength or the will to get off the couch.
There are people counting on me. I have teens that look up to me, in and outside of church. I have friends that rely on me to be there for them in their time of need. I have several jobs that need me to finish what I’ve started. I have several books and movies that are desperately waiting to be taken from the turmoil of my mind to the black and white of paper and ink.
But as I sit here with mixture of nicotine and menthol stinging the back of my tongue, I wonder what everyone would think of me if I just stopped. Not because I wanted to, but because I’d reached my end. My spirit wants to fight… I’m a warrior… that side of me can’t help but be who she is. But my body is currently playing “follow the leader” with my mind and right now my mind says stop.
My inner turmoil isn’t just the anxiety dancing around to the beat of the 10 million questions booming around in my head, it’s the inner battle between my warrior spirit and my wary mind. This dance has been going on for a long time, I just haven’t been moving to its beat. And now, it’s caught up with me. The exhaustion, the fatigue, the fight – it’s all caught up with me.
The questions have gotten louder and there is no way to answer them. The dance has gotten faster and there’s no way to slow it down. Each day I only grow older and each day I feel less purposeless… or less like I’m accomplishing my purpose (not really sure which one). What is my purpose, anyway? Why am I here? Why are we all here? What’s the point of it all? How many of us leave this earth without having these questions answered?
I’m not really sure where I’m going with this…
I needed to write… I want to write a work of fiction but it’s all happening too quickly in my head so I needed to write the truth. This is what happens behind the mask. This is what you don’t all see.